Change is in the Air

I have news that I can finally make public. Big news.  Exciting news.  News that makes me want to jump up and down and sing!


This week, I officially put in my resignation for next year.  What does this mean?  It means that I will finish out this school year, and after June 1st, I will not be coming back.


Starting this summer, I’m going to focus solely on being a mom and a graduate student.  I will work part-time for my advisor and spend the rest of my time with my son, while also working on my dissertation.

This is a big heart decision.  After returning to work from my maternity leave, I realized that I do not want to be away from my son full-time.  It feels very unnatural to me.  I just can’t get past the fact that Liam spends the majority of his awake hours each day with a babysitter….five days a week.  I have struggled with this for the past 5 months, and nearly every Monday, when I have to leave him, my heart breaks.


I also have too much on my plate.  I’m a new mom, I’m a wife, I work full-time, and I’m a graduate student working on my doctorate.  The fact is, I’m trying to do too much, and consequently, I’m not doing any of it very well.  I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough in any aspect of my life, and I find myself feeling tremendous guilt.  I feel guilty about leaving Liam to go to work.  I feel guilty about leaving work promptly at the end of the day to go and spend time with my son while my colleagues stay and work late.  I feel guilty that my husband and I don’t get as much time together as we would like….it goes on and on.  In many ways, I just need to be easier on myself…and I’m working on that.  


But at the end of the day, I’m not one who likes to cut corners, and lately, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed…like I can barely keep my head above the water as I try to juggle it all.  Most days, something big gets cut from the to-do list and most often, it’s my graduate work.  There’s no way I can keep putting my school work on the back burner and continue to be successful.  


Something has got to give.


Being a good mom and a good partner to my husband are my top priorities.  Finishing my degree comes next.  If I don’t stop and focus solely on my dissertation, it could take me years to finish, and I’m not willing to accept that.   This PhD is the stepping stone to get me to where I want to be, so I need to make it a priority.


After seven years of working in the St. Louis Public Schools, a part of me is sad to leave.  The other part of me is excited to close this chapter and begin a new one.  For seven years, I have worked diligently and passionately to help improve this educational system.  It is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.   The students and teachers in these city schools will always have a special place in my heart, and I commend those who continue to keep fighting the good fight.


As I look forward to these coming months and this transition, I’m preparing myself for a new kind of difficult work.  I know that writing this dissertation is not going to be easy….but I like to think that I’m ready for the challenge.


You know how sometimes when you make decisions it just feels so right.  This is one of those times.  The minute my advisor told me I would definitely have a job for next year, I felt a tremendous sense of relief…like I was finally coming up for air.  Many of the anxieties that I’ve been feeling as I try to manage everything have started to disappear….just knowing that the end is in sight gives me a sense of calm.  Every part of this decision feels like it’s the right thing to do.  I am thrilled that I will get to spend more time with Liam, while also having more time to focus on my studies.  Rather than feeling like I’m spread too thin, my hope is that I will finally feel a sense of balance. 

This decision will require some sacrifice as I’ll be making a lot less money, but both my husband and I agree that the sacrifice will be worth it.  Now, more than ever, I am grateful for our simple lifestyle.  If we lived in a huge house with a big mortgage…with new, fancy cars and expensive toys, this wouldn’t be possible.  Instead, we choose to live modestly.  I have never been more grateful for that than I am now. 

This feels good.  I’m excited.  I feel at peace.   I’m ready to begin this new chapter.