Motherhood

Everyone says that when you become a parent, you experience a love like no other.  People often claim that it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them, and the happiest moment of their lives.  As I neared the end of my pregnancy, all of these clichés played through my mind.  I daydreamed about the moment I would  meet my baby, and I mistakenly thought I understood the love that was coming my way.

Liam’s birth wasn’t quite what I had planned, and the entire experience is kind of blurry for me...except for the moment when I got to see him for the first time.  That moment is crystal clear. And yes, it was, without a doubt, the best moment of my life. 

As for all of those clichés….they are right on.  I like to say that there was life before him…and life after him.  And to be honest, life before him doesn’t really matter anymore.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed my time.  Being an older mother, I had lots of years where I got to focus solely on myself.  I am very grateful for those years.  They were integral in making me the woman I am today.   But the truth is...I feel like my life is just now beginning.

Motherhood is difficult for me to put into words.  I haven't quite wrapped my head around it. I’m still trying to figure it out as I navigate these new waters.  The only way I can describe it is by saying that my heart feels like its been cracked open...and there’s all this love spilling out….love that I didn’t even know existed. 

I’ve had many, overwhelming moments when I thought my heart might break from loving this little person so much.

The first of those moments came a few days after we brought him home.  Andrew had made a cd of our favorite songs for me to listen to in my car while I was pregnant.  For 9 months, I listened to that cd over and over again so that our baby would know our favorite music.  That night when he was only about a week old, I turned that cd on and started to dance with my baby in my arms.  Hearing that music…and being able to hold him…it was almost too much for me to bear.  Tears flowed down my cheeks because I was feeling this big, huge love that I had never experienced before.  For 9 months, I had dreamt about this little person and here he was with me…dancing in my living room.  The moment was so beautiful…so perfect….and so completely overwhelming.

Just like the clichés say, it truly is the most amazing kind of love.  But what the clichés don’t tell you is that it’s also a big, scary kind of love.  It’s simply terrifying to love someone this much…and to be that person’s protector, provider, and source of everything.  I have never felt so vulnerable. 

I have moments where I doubt myself and everything I’m doing.  I worry about something happening to him.  I worry that I’m going to blink and this will all be over.  

At night when he is falling asleep in my arms, I just sit and breathe him in.  I marvel at his perfection as he makes his little, sleepy, baby sounds.  I’m very aware that time moves quickly.  I’m trying my hardest to truly be present in this journey.  I want to remember this.  I want to soak up these moments so that one day, when I look back, I will remember exactly how his little hand felt wrapped around my finger, how it felt to have him curled up on my shoulder and the soft touch of his silky hair on my cheek.  Each moment is so precious and so fleeting. 

As I find my way as a mother, I feel my entire being changing and my heart expanding in magical ways.  I am an entirely different woman than I was six months ago.  I'm better and kinder.  I have a whole new set of priorities, and I’m finding joy in small, simple moments.  I am seeing the world in a new light.  I am truly the happiest I have ever been. 

Being a parent is much bigger than any cliché, and I’m working on embracing this journey along with all of its joyous, beautiful, hard, and scary parts.  I feel deeply that this is really important, soulful work, and I intend to make the most of it.